Ladies, if you have yet to experience the natural wonder that is the hot flash, let me tell you about it.

  1. You are woken from a dead sleep certain that you are, in fact, on fire.
  2. You throw off the blankets. Doesn’t help. You peel your sweat drenched clothing off and pitch it across the room. It sticks to the wall. You are still burning up.
  3. You lay there, panting, while you produce gallons of underboob sweat that runs off and soaks the sheets. Also, the dogs are interested and try to lick it off.
  4. Sensing your acute distress, your husband wakes, and in tones of deepest concern, asks, “What the hell is wrong with YOU?”
  5. You explain. He tells you he knows how bad that sucks, because it’s happened to him. You want nothing more than to take a swing at him, but you are too weak from fluid loss. Instead, you glare at him silently.
  6. “What?” he says.
  7. You get out of bed and go stand naked in front of the freezer (thank goodness for French doors). The radiant heat begins to melt everything.
  8. The dogs are now VERY interested. Every sound behind you is surely a child getting up for a drink. So now you’ve got something ELSE to freak out about! Yaay!
  9. You give up on the freezer, and go sit in the living room. Perhaps a little American Pickers will help take your mind off it. You adhere to the chair.
  10. Wait. What’s this? You are starting to cool down! The boob and neck sweat is going away! Oh, thank god, that was absolutely terrible.  You feel SO much better.
  11. Now you’re freezing. Shit.
Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night.  I am also thinking about purchasing a waterbed so I can fill it with ice.
by Phaedra O

Phaedra is a wife, mom of four, barista, party planner, and full time professional smartass. She is hot. Literally.